Posted by: pursuingsub17 | May 10, 2017

You never cross the same river twice..


It’s been awhile since I wrote in here. In that time I’ve had a lot of changes. I’ve managed to deal with my Celiac disease. Now that it’s been a year, I’m quite used to what I can and can’t have. I still read labels but I automatically know what I can and can’t have without looking an ingredient up on my phone. There are a lot more options in restaurants and Marc’s been helping out a lot at home – so my time spent on cooking two dinners or making two lunches isn’t additional on top of my other household tasks.

But in the past year, there have been other changes. I’ve been diligently practicing mindfulness and meditation. It’s become part of my daily routine. And with it, I’ve seen changes around me and within. However, I’m dealing with anxiety and I’ve realized a lot of that is what Buddhists would call an attachment to the future. I’m not depressed – but my head is always fast forward into the future rather than present. It’s something I’m trying to work on. I’m also dealing with a mother who is clinically depressed and her husband, who’s physical and mental health is also failing.

So, you’re thinking, where does triathlon fit into all of this? Isn’t what this blog is about? No. Not really. Re-read my “About” page.

After 3 marathons, 4 half ironmans, several half marathons, I’ve realized that I have to shift gears (no pun intended). My life is now about looking after aging parents, my physical and mental health, and letting go of the energy suckers in my life without feeling guilt. My life is also taking a new direction. And this blog has always been about the journey of making myself better – that was the real goal – not the finish line. I seem to be accomplishing that without completing the Ironman. I’ve crossed the finish line well before I got there.

I haven’t given up on triathlon – I’ve just taken a new path for now as part of my personal growth in other aspects of my life. Triathlon was what got me out of a dark place – but it isn’t the end all in my journey. I owe the sport my life – but now it’s time to part ways for awhile.

In addition to my interests in the Buddhist way of life, I’ve rediscovered my interest in pursuing a career in massage therapy because through some introspection, I realized I can’t be an administrative assistant for the next 10-15 years. I don’t have regrets of waiting to start this new career though. To be honest, I’m glad that was put on hold. I don’t think I was ready back in 2009. Again, thanking sport, I have learned more about the human body and have matured immensely, including learning discipline. Self discipline, staying focused, and staying determined were all a part of my triathlon path and with that, I feel I’m ready for some hard core studying to be an RMT.

But with this, I’ve also learned that people don’t like change. People don’t like to hear that you are “giving up”- or at least, that’s how they see it. They want to see their employees as part of an organization’s long term future. They want to know that you’ll be standing next to them on a sandy beach in a wetsuit, nervous as shit, waiting for the gun to go off. They don’t want to see that you’ve changed – or took a temporary off ramp. That’s not part of THEIR plan – and it’s scary for them to see something different because it shakes their foundation.

I saw a great quote about one’s life’s journey. It addresses that not everyone will understand your journey, but that’s fine. It’s not theirs to understand. It’s yours. That helped me when faced with a flurry of responses when I told my friends that I just don’t have the mental energy to do Calgary 70.3. I’ve rolled this race over twice now due to injury and illness – and I thought this year would be it. I haven’t pulled out yet but my heart isn’t in it. I need to focus on my new pursuits and maybe just stick to small races for now. But my comrades didn’t get that. They see it as giving up and that made them angry – probably because the thought crossed their mind as well. But for them, letting go gives them sadness and that’s because they are attached to the past. They need to see that they aren’t giving up – they are just doing what is right for them at the moment. Then again, maybe racing right now is what is right for them at the moment. But that’s their path. It’s time to walk my own.

I guess it’s like an old friend saying goodbye, or a comrade not being by your side in battle. But life is about change. It’s never the same – it’s never meant to be the same. You never cross the same river twice.

I haven’t given up on triathlon – it has just allowed me to grow from it. My present pursuits are just an extension of what triathlon has done for me – what I set out to do when I first started this blog. As far as I’m concerned, I’m already an Ironman – and it’s time for change and move on.

 

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