Posted by: pursuingsub17 | March 28, 2012

Facing extreme fatigue and lack of interest

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know whether it’s just burnout from work or training, stress, money stress, depression, mid life crisis, or some physical illness. If it is burnout, I can’t tell whether it’s from work, life or training. All I know is that I’m exhausted all the time. I could sleep for hours. I wake up tired. I’m tired in the middle of the day. I’m bored with my job. I’m bored with the gym. I want to race but the desire isn’t there like it used to be. I keep thinking “I can still train for the Edmonton marathon in August!” I have lots of time for that one. It isn’t too late.

But here I am at work, and all I want to do is go home and go to bed. TV sucks. I can’t even decide what to eat for dinner. Weekends are boring – same options – same conversations – same scenery. My hips and shoulders ache. I have headaches. I go to bed early and sleep for 9 hours and wake up sore and tired. I have no ambition. On my way to work I think “this is the day – going to the gym after work!” By 2pm, I’m so exhausted and disinterested, I want to cry. I’m getting easily agitated at work. I prefer when no one is in the office. I’m tired of making small talk with my co-workers. I get pissed everytime the phone rings. I’ve become anti-social. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to stay in.

Nothing excites me. I keep getting this feeling that what I really need is change in my life – a big change. I don’t know if that change is in careers (which I’ve mentioned before) or where I live or what. I just need something different in my life. If I do go to the gym, I’m bored out of my mind. I tried running outside and that isn’t any better. I can’t give up being active. I don’t want to turn into some pudgy sloth but everything I’m currently doing in my life bores me to tears – or I’m too tired and sore to put in a decent workout.

I just got back from holidays. It was okay. It was the same place I always go to. I enjoyed the company – Marc – because it was different than going with a huge group of women like I used to. But Palm Springs bores the hell out of me now. I haven’t been anywhere different in years. It’s Kimberley, Banff or Palm Springs. At least in Kimberley, I’m isolated and I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. What does my step-dad usually say? “I don’t want to have to put on a tutu.” LOL. I get what he’s saying.

I’m up to 150lbs. I don’t look it. I’m not really sure where this extra 5 lbs is that I put on since January. My clothes fit the same. Maybe gravity has changed. Maybe that’s how the world is going to end – gravity will cause the earth to self-implode.

I’m just a bundle of positive joy…see? I’m negative all the time. I’m always thinking the worst. Maybe that’s because the last few years have dealt me nothing but a shitty hand. I’m in debt so badly that I can’t even sign up for a race anyway. We’re due for a mortgage renewal next March. I won’t even have half this debt paid off – so I’ll end up selling my place and renting. I guess that isn’t so bad. Owning a home means shit now anyway. It isn’t yours. It’s the bank’s.

I’m half tempted to delete this blog. But it explains why I haven’t mentioned anything about training. Since I started this blog, I’ve slumped into a dark crevice.

Waiting it out isn’t going to get me out of this crap. Two more years of debt. I pay it off. If I can’t renew my mortgage, I sell – maybe pay off my debt. I can’t go back to school until my debt is paid off. Hopefully nothing happens in that two year span that gets us deeper in shit. I can’t take it anymore.

So I go back to maybe taking up another hobby – get me through this slump until I get my training mojo back. If I wasn’t so tired, I’d pop that yoga cd in or move beyond the plot development in my book to actually writing it.

Hopefully that big change or spectacular event will happen soon to kick me in the pants!



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