Posted by: pursuingsub17 | December 29, 2011

Ending 2011 with a fizzle but 2012 will be about me.

Well, 2011 certainly hasn’t been memorable. There’s been a lot of things happening, but I feel I’ve personally accomplished nothing. I look back and all I remember is being angry, upset and burned out…maybe even a sense of losing myself. I had hoped to put a little more “me” first in my life but as 2011 draws to a close, I realize even the last week of the year has been about everyone else. I don’t feel like it’s been much of a holiday – again, I’ve been a “yes” person and have burned myself out with social activities. Being a Maid of Honor was really a metaphor for my entire year – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I’m so played out from having to visit so many people over the last three months that I’m ready to scream. Even my plans for my wedding with Marc has suddenly turned into a fiasco – trying to do what everyone else wants. I don’t even care anymore. I’m ready to just let it go for now and I don’t even want to talk about it to anyone.

This past week has left me feeling anxiety rather than peaceful and Christmassy. I feel like I’m drowning. It’s been one party after another. I was thinking of inviting another couple to the New Year’s dinner Marc and I have planned but not now. Next weekend is Marc’s grandfather’s birthday. When does all this ever end?? When can Marc and I just do something together for ourselves?

I feel like I’m marrying 150 other people in Marc’s life and not Marc. It’s enough to give me cold feet. Actually, it isn’t “enough” – I do have cold feet. I’ve been feeling anxiety because I feel that if I do make that commitment, I am going to lose myself. There will be no more me. My identity, who I am, what I’ve finally recovered from the last marriage, will crumble and I’ll be left with nothing but a shell with someone else’s name. Yes, I’m scared. I don’t want to live the rest of my life around other people’s needs. I’ve managed to recover what’s left of myself over the last 6 years since my divorce and I’m scared that it’s going to dissappear.

So 2012 will have to be the year of sticking up for MY needs and MY goals and not sacrificing myself for others. My relationship with Marc and my need for my space and personal time WILL be put before others my friends. I’ll tolerate a little – we all have to – that’s family. But there has to be balance. I don’t want to spend the rest of my 40-50 years on this planet catering to others first. I can’t do that anymore. It’s self preservation. I have to look after myself. I’m not Kate Middleton. I’m not some princess who has to live under others’ expectations.

As for training, I’ve at least managed to work on weight training this past few months. I’ve been following Mark Allen’s 12 Best Strength Exercises on I’ve gained a lot of muscle in my legs and my arms are strong. I’ve noticed a difference on the bike. Even on the bike at the gym, I can easily do an effort level of 3 whereas last year, that just about killed me. After a power lifting workout, I did 20 minutes of an effort level 4 with hills two days ago and followed it with a 10 minute run that made me feel strong.

One thing I’ve been reading on the internet and in Triathlete magazine is to keep your training workouts short but intense during off season training. Training season is about building the endurance and long distances – off season is about perfecting form and keeping workouts intense but not long. So far, I’ve been sticking to that. What I can’t believe is that starting January 6th, I’m already starting my training for my marathon!

Like I said – it’s been a very hectic year.

Well, I might try and fit in another blog before this year is over. I ended it with a firm “no!” when asked if I would like to go to yet another party tonight. Of course, I had to follow it with a series of “whys” but at least I said no. I could have said “it’s either this party or your grandpa’s birthday party next weekend but I left it as “I’m burned out and it’s been too much.” I was left feeling a little worried about upsetting Marc’s parents, but I can’t be at every social event that they put on. I honestly don’t think they expect us to say yes all the time, either. Of course they’re going to invite us, but Marc takes that as a “I have to be there” so that gets put onto me. I don’t even go to all the parties my own family has! I never feel guilty about not going to those. Why should I feel guilty about not going to Marc’s steady stream of family get togethers?

Maybe I have to start being a little hard ass. Maybe I have to stop worrying about what other people will think – that stupid “guilt” demon needs to be duck taped. Then I can pick and choose what “parties” I’ll attend without feeling I have to be everywhere. It’s my life – I choose to live it for me. That will be my mantra for 2012!


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