Posted by: pursuingsub17 | July 29, 2009

Messing with my head when the marathon is near


After weeks, I finally got out of bed this morning to do speedwork. Probably because the distances are getting shorter again and the evenings are getting hotter. So much better to run in the morning.

I can’t say it felt good – I was tired. Another night of only 6.5 hours of sleep. It’s tough getting to bed early lately. I’m so far behind on housework and everything else and it’s draining me. But I still have the energy to run over 5 k in 30 mins. When I got back, I was excited. I felt like I was pushing it but I still knew I did well. Marc was at the door getting ready to go to work. “Awesome run,” I said because he didn’t ask. “Probably 5 and a half minute miles – over 5 k in a half hour. I guess we’ll see what I can do after 32 kilometers.”

“That’s a pretty tough pace to keep up after 32k” was his response. What a Debbie Downer.

“Well, I know I can run 10k in under an hour now – 55 mins was my last best time”. No response.

I got the dog from her kennel to take her for a walk. I was sweaty, salty and still smiling. I gave Marc a kiss and he went to the bedroom to get his work hat. “So, what’s your feelings on the race? What do you think I can do?” I asked – I’d been obviously toying with that since I started running 10 minute miles.

Marc snapped back, “I don’t have time to talk about this right now – I’m getting ready for work. I’ll discuss this with you tonight.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’ll happen!” I chirped as I walked out the door. After it shut, I added, “still not helping me!” I’m sure if it was Prima, you’ld have the time.

So now I sit in the office, trying to work and realizing I can’t let this get into my head. 90% of success in a race can be attributed to your mental state. I don’t need this. I have to let it go. The thought of telling him nicely that he doesn’t have to come to the race runs through my head – but then if he says “oh, good, I have a job to do that day”, I’ll probably get really angry. Then I’ll probably tell him he can go to Ironman Canada by himself because I can’t support someone who doesn’t support me. By support, I don’t mean a pat on the head and a “good job, Sweetie” – which is what I usually get. I want acknowledgement, feedback, what did I improve on and what could I do better? I want what he would give to anyone else paying for his coaching service.

And that, my friends, will be my undoing – not because he will get angry with me but because I have just reinforced the idea in my head that I have had no support from him for this race – or the one last year, or the 1/2 marathon the year before and the 10k the year before that when I first started running.

The best part is, if I don’t do well, I can tell him “thanks a lot – you let me down, I don’t want you as a coach next year”. If I do well, I can tell him “I did this without you and I don’t need you as a coach next year.”

I think that’s what I need to put in my head – not that he’s letting me down, but rather that I am responsible for where I am at this point, no matter what the results are, and I will continue to be responsible – right through to June 2011 when I do my first Ironman. In the end, it is me and my strength and conquering weaknesses that will get me there. Prima needs someone to lead her. I can do it myself and face the monsters alone.

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