Posted by: pursuingsub17 | May 1, 2009

If only I were more thick skinned

I’m having a very hard time being motivated today. My confidence is somewhere at the bottom of my foot. Last night I found out through my step-dad that my grandmother is in the hospital. She and my mother were supposed to go to Palm Springs for the weekend but it didn’t happen. Of course I was concerned about my grandmother and through Facebook, I found out my cousin was actually at the hospital with her and my mother yesterday morning. I contacted my cousin. My grandmother is doing okay but they need to run tests. I told her to keep me posted and to tell Mom not to worry about calling me because my cousin will keep me in the loop. I just wanted my mom to not have to worry about making a bunch of phone calls. I would pass on the information to everyone.

An hour later, my step-dad called to find out if I had heard from Mom. “no – her phone is off” and he said “that’s because she’s in the hospital.” Okay, I know that. No sense in repeating the “make no sense” argument that kept going in circles but what made me angry is that he said, and I quote, “obviously you have it all figured out – I just wanted to call and give you some advice on how to be a good daughter but you seem to know what you’re doing.” Obviously sacrcastic but it really upset me. I started doubting myself and Marc and my sister told me not to take it to heart – he was just upset because I didn’t have any information and Mom hadn’t called him either. Doesn’t matter. I still felt like I really was a bad person and in the wrong. Mom called later and sounded good and said that my step-dad was worried I was mad at him. No kidding. Really, the whole evening was deflating. My grandmother is going into surgery so she’s not out of the water yet but it still looks better.

This morning is beautiful. I walked the dog and couldn’t wait to get on the bike. Then I get a call from my boss because she can’t find a proposal that had been re-written. I’m supposed to recieve copies of all proposals but this one, I didn’t. It was still on my co-worker’s computer. Well, she’s just like my step-dad. When she’s upset about something, she lashes out and usually I’m the first one to get it whether I’m responsible or not. She decided it would be good to tell me the client is really upset because they never got it. I told her to look on my co-worker’s computer because she had sent it (and I know she did so the client must have lost it). She snapped “I guess I’ll just have to figure it out then.”

So yet again, I’m feeling like I’ve done something wrong. Now I’m sitting here wondering if she’ll take my Fridays away from me. Logically, even if I was in the office, I obviously didn’t have that proposal so the client still would have been upset that they never recieved it from my co-worker. So why am I feeling guilty?

I’m supposed to do a bike and run. I was looking forward to it. Now I just don’t want to do anything. I’m supposed to go to my parents for a bbq tomorrow and I just don’t want to. I don’t want to go to work and I don’t want to work out. Today sucks. I’ll try and get on that bike but I just don’t know if I have it in me. I wish people wouldn’t use me as their personal punching bag. Why? Why do they do that? I guess I just need to become a colder person.


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