Posted by: pursuingsub17 | April 16, 2009

I’m worried about myself


So I did it again. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I had a decent day at work, the weather was beautiful and I was in a good mood. Marc has some family issues going on but honestly, it’s not my business and really, I didn’t even find out about it until after I had already had about four drinks.

I got home – somewhat wiped out from work – but in a decent mood. I walked the dog and immediately made myself a double vodka ceasar, extra spicy, and sat down to respond to some email and work on my business website. Then I had another. By 6pm, Marc had called saying he should be home from work by 7pm as there was a lot of work to do. That was okay. I thought I better get dinner ready and I was working on my fourth drink. I didn’t have another until our little argument about his family issue. I mixed another hard drink and had it with dinner and then had a beer and when I opened another, he looked at me funny. Really, I was already feeling a slight buzz (and I don’t normally) by the time he got home. Why I thought I needed another beer, I don’t know. It wasn’t tasting good anyway and it was, by this time, 9:45pm. Usually I’m sipping tea around this time.

That’s when I thought, “what am I doing? I have an hour and a half bike ride tomorrow” so I popped a stopper in the bottle and walked the dog before getting ready for bed. I didn’t sleep well. Whether the alcohol woke me up, I can’t say for certain, but I lay awake wondering why on earth I don’t stop myself – even after one or two. It’s like I’m doing it unconsciously and I don’t realize how much I’ve had until I stop and think about it. I never have more than 6 but for the love of Pete, why do I even have that many? It’s like wanting a few potato chips and then unconsciously eating the entire bag.

I don’t want to go to my doctor – not yet. I still think I can beat this if I just make myself aware of what I’m doing. I’ve done a lot of things blindly so it’s in my nature. I just have to start making the effort to be aware. I am when I’m training and racing or even when I’m writing and I definitely am at work and never reach out for a drink then. So I don’t need it. It’s unconsious. Maybe that’s the key. Practicing awareness. It would definitely help with my racing too.

Okay – another set back. I’m supposed to run for an hour tonight. When I’m driving home from work, I’ll make that the focus in my head – see if that works. Wish me luck.

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Responses

  1. Lorel, you’re a strong woman with drive and ambition and you can do whatever you want to do. Don’t beat yourself up.


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