The Pursuit of Sub17

I thought I better write this while it’s still fresh in my memory – unlike last year’s Sylvan Lake Half Iron report!

So my half marathon wasn’t a personal best but it was when you consider my best half marathon time was based on a flat and fast course. My post race activities were a great improvement. I drank plenty of fluids, ate early and went to bed early. I had just over 7 hours of restful sleep. In the morning, I made sure I had more calories than I thought I needed (because I never take on enough). I had a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and some OJ. I forgot the coffee but I did mix Gatorade and Carbo-pro in a water bottle to sip at and had some left over for my small Fuel Belt bottle that I carry during the race (in my back pocket). That gave me an extra 200 calories or more.

I wound up getting to the race an hour early but I’m starting to realize that isn’t such a bad thing. I’m not like Marc or other individuals who are keyed up like greyhounds, waiting for the gun to go off for what seems an eternity. No, I rather enjoyed the hour. I found a decent parking spot. I relaxed to my “pre-race inspiration music” in my vehicle for about 15 minutes. I texted some friends and posted my last minute thoughts on Facebook. Then I packed up, went to the bathroom, checked my gear bag, bathroom break again, and went outside to warm up.

I loosened up, swinging my legs from the hip forward and sideways. Did the same with the arms and shoulders. Stretched out the neck, hips and quads. Stretched out the hamstrings and calves. Then I found my place near the 2:15 pace bunny.

This year the runners were promised less hills. Well, it was still pretty hilly. It just didn’t have the one last brutal climb 4km before the finish like last year. It wasn’t as windy but it was cold at the beginning. I wore my hot pink CEP compression socks, my black and pink Under Armour runners (which I’ll probably wear at my big tri race) and I decided at the last minute to put on arm warmers instead of an extra shirt over my Craft running shirt. All excellent choices.

I stuck to what worked last year – easy on the hills, don’t get too excited when people pass me in the first half, drink water but not too much, take a gel every 30 minutes. After 8km, I was still with the pace bunny – actually right next to her and had to make sure I wasn’t getting overzealous and running past her – not yet. She kept the perfect pace. On a side note, I have to get in touch with the race organizers and see if they can send out a thank you to her.

At 10km, still following my 10 min run  and 1 min walk break, I noticed that our group had thinned out. Eating my second gel, it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen anyone taking on calories unless they had something in their water bottles. Hmm – perhaps I’m onto something! Also at that point, there was Marc, his son, Trevor, and my cousin, Jaylene. They were cheering me on and my cousin was jumping up and down, ringing cowbells in both hands.

Folks – this is where the mental battle kicks in and as the story unfolds, you’ll see how important these little moments are.

Seeing a cheering squad – particularly family but even strangers shouting out “good job!” sure helps. It gave me a boost even though I wasn’t fading yet. They passed by me in the truck, honking and waving and I saw them again at the 12km mark before we headed back onto the trails for the home stretch. At this point, there were 4 of us and the pace bunny with the occasional runner sticking with us and then dropping off.

At 15k, I was starting to lag. I had the desire to walk but remembering my lack of will power in last year’s half iron triathlon, I told myself to just run until my walk break. Example two of mind over matter.

By 18K, we had to pass the finish area on the trails to complete the next 3.1 km. That was a heartbreaker. You can hear the crowd and the music and you think you’re done but you’re not. You have to actually loop around, listening to the cheering fade as you head further away. This is where the ol’ negativity set in. I shouted “Only 3km and a little bit!” to the girl I had been running along side. She had encouraged me a few times from 15k to keep it up. But I’m thinking the fading cheers got to her. I suddenly realized I was by myself, staring at the pink shirt and orange hat of the 2:15 pace bunny who kept looking at her watch, picking up the pace and getting further and further ahead.

We hit the final water station – up a short, steep hill of gravel (of all things). I grabbed water to cool off my face (oh yeah, arm warmers came off at 12k). swooshed water in my mouth and kept moving. We it the paved road that lead back to the finish. I could see runners and the pace bunny ahead of me. I could hear a “tick…tick” noise from under my right heel. Stupid rock from the gravel was stuck to my shoe. It was driving me nuts. I could see the long line of pylons ahead and tried to determine if it was curving to the left toward the finish or continuing on. If it was, it HAD to be for the marathoners – not us – please not for us.

In my mind I thought – well, just like last year I’m losing the pace bunny. So, maybe it’s okay to finish at 2:20. That’s my typical time. I’m tired.

Then I remembered an article I read. Couldn’t remember where or who said the quote. I’m sure it was a female pro triathlete. But I remember saying you have to get rid of the negative self talk. Was I being negative? Not really – I was just accepting defeat.

Example 2 – I was accepting it like I did in the half Iron last year. Last year, when I was approaching the last loop, right in the middle of the crowd next to the finisher’s lane, I just felt I couldn’t run it. The crowd was watching, including Marc, but I couldn’t run. That’s when “We’re here for a good time, not a long time” by Trooper started playing over the loud speaker. What got into me, I have no idea but people were doing the obligatory clapping, knowing this poor sunburned triathlete still had another lap to go, and I started wiggling my tush and did a little dance. Well, that got a roar from the crowd and a series of cheers and loud clapping. That got me running again.

So back to the half marathon. I said…outloud…”Hammerstad! That’s enough of that talk. You are going to catch up to that pace bunny and you are going to pass her. Quit whining!!”

Example 3 – I’ll be damned. It worked. I don’t know how but I focused my eyes on that pink shirt and orange cap and I pushed out any feelings of being tired. I didn’t think I was running faster – but suddenly I was on her heels. Ahead I saw the curve to the left and people jumping up and down. I turned to the pace bunny and said “I think this is the home stretch!” She said “sure is!”

I gave her a thumbs up and bolted. My time was 2:14:34. I was 2 minutes slower than my pr and 4 minutes off my goal time – on a very hilly course. I was happy.

So there it is my friends – proof that this sport is 50% mental endurance and that the power of the mind can conquer the body.

Next up – Olympic distance triathlon in Lake Summerside. And damn it, I AM going to do that Sylvan Lake Half Iron this year and I’m gonna get a pr!! ROOOOAAAAR!!!!

I didn’t sleep well last night. But the upside is that I actually had a good workout yesterday after my whining and complaining. I didn’t exactly have a breakthrough but I enjoyed it. Biked for a half hour and ran for 40 mins – including adding 4 x 100m sprints and 10 minutes tempo. I felt good – until I came home to my mess of a kitchen and piles of laundry to be put away and piles to be washed. Of course, the dog had to be walked first – then make lunches for tomorrow and then dinner. Heavy sigh.

But I woke up at 3:00am ish – the witching hour, ha ha. Why is it that people always wake up at 3am? Why is that a magical hour? Everytime I watch a horror movie about ghosts or demonic possession, the character always wakes up at 3 am.

You can tell I’ve only had 4 hours of sleep. I’m blithering on and on. Back to my dilema. What was keeping me up? For one thing, it was frickin’ hot in the room. Felt like a sauna. Marc was curled up in blankets like he was freezing to death and I had mine kicked off. So there I lay – and of course this over active mind of mine decides now is a good time to start thinking about ALL the things I need to get done…oil change and brakes fixed, make annual Dr. appointment, the never ending cycle of laundry, taxes need to be done. I started feeling overwhelmed. Then I started thinking about all the things I had to do at work today – hoping there would be no further interruptions like there had been all week. That lead to “what bills are due that I need to pay? Did I pay them ontime? When are the condo fees due? I must remember to ask Marc for some money to cover them.” It never stopped – in the background my internal iPod played continuously. Which reminded me I had to update that thing because I was getting bored with my music selection to run to.

Oh yeah, and I forgot to give the dog her allergy pills last night.

So this morning, head pounding from lack of sleep, I realized it isn’t the training that’s overwhelming me. It’s my life – and my job. Both are wearing me out. At work I’m “the fixer.” I’m the only office manager/admin assistant/writer/staff psychologist/IT person. If there’s an issue, I’m asked to fix it. There’s been numerous issues this week. Monday morning the coffee maker wasn’t working. Seriously. So first thing I’m told to go out and buy vinegar. I come back with vinegar. I test the machine to see exactly what is wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m tempted to ask if whoever used it actually put water in the tank. You might think I’m being sarcastic but these questions are necessary. That’s because the rest of the staff have Master’s Degrees. Very intelligent and good at what they do – but no common sense. If something isn’t working, panic sets in. It’s outside of their realm to deal with. That’s why I almost loathe coming back from holidays. Last time I was away, I was told the fax wasn’t working so they didn’t receive important faxes and perhaps maybe we should buy a new one. I looked at it. It was out of toner.

This is why I need out of this job. One of my best friends said I was too smart for the job. I don’t know if that’s it. I think I’m just losing my patience with people who don’t think things through before they act.

No point in discussing my overwhelming personal life – I’ve talked about it before and truthfully, I think 90% of us can relate anyway. There’s always something.

Last night I noticed Marc’s Triathlete magazine. One of the feature articles was how to achieve balance – living a fitter, more balanced life. LOL. Who wrote that??? It featured two pro triathletes. Of course their life is balanced. Triathlon is their job. Good grief. Well, I will read the article tonight while on my windtrainer. Perhaps there is some magical formula that I haven’t discovered.

In the meantime, I know what’s dragging me down and I just have to deal with it. Unfortunately, I can’t quit my job – not yet anyway. It’s just going to be a long two years and I really hope there are no more setbacks for us. I don’t know if I can take much more idiocy. As for my overwhelming life, I don’t have an answer. We all have bills to pay, living spaces to clean, vehicles to maintain, dogs and or kids to look after. Above all, I need to sleep. Maybe we need a 36 hour day.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know whether it’s just burnout from work or training, stress, money stress, depression, mid life crisis, or some physical illness. If it is burnout, I can’t tell whether it’s from work, life or training. All I know is that I’m exhausted all the time. I could sleep for hours. I wake up tired. I’m tired in the middle of the day. I’m bored with my job. I’m bored with the gym. I want to race but the desire isn’t there like it used to be. I keep thinking “I can still train for the Edmonton marathon in August!” I have lots of time for that one. It isn’t too late.

But here I am at work, and all I want to do is go home and go to bed. TV sucks. I can’t even decide what to eat for dinner. Weekends are boring – same options – same conversations – same scenery. My hips and shoulders ache. I have headaches. I go to bed early and sleep for 9 hours and wake up sore and tired. I have no ambition. On my way to work I think “this is the day – going to the gym after work!” By 2pm, I’m so exhausted and disinterested, I want to cry. I’m getting easily agitated at work. I prefer when no one is in the office. I’m tired of making small talk with my co-workers. I get pissed everytime the phone rings. I’ve become anti-social. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to stay in.

Nothing excites me. I keep getting this feeling that what I really need is change in my life - a big change. I don’t know if that change is in careers (which I’ve mentioned before) or where I live or what. I just need something different in my life. If I do go to the gym, I’m bored out of my mind. I tried running outside and that isn’t any better. I can’t give up being active. I don’t want to turn into some pudgy sloth but everything I’m currently doing in my life bores me to tears – or I’m too tired and sore to put in a decent workout.

I just got back from holidays. It was okay. It was the same place I always go to. I enjoyed the company – Marc – because it was different than going with a huge group of women like I used to. But Palm Springs bores the hell out of me now. I haven’t been anywhere different in years. It’s Kimberley, Banff or Palm Springs. At least in Kimberley, I’m isolated and I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to. What does my step-dad usually say? “I don’t want to have to put on a tutu.” LOL. I get what he’s saying.

I’m up to 150lbs. I don’t look it. I’m not really sure where this extra 5 lbs is that I put on since January. My clothes fit the same. Maybe gravity has changed. Maybe that’s how the world is going to end – gravity will cause the earth to self-implode.

I’m just a bundle of positive joy…see? I’m negative all the time. I’m always thinking the worst. Maybe that’s because the last few years have dealt me nothing but a shitty hand. I’m in debt so badly that I can’t even sign up for a race anyway. We’re due for a mortgage renewal next March. I won’t even have half this debt paid off – so I’ll end up selling my place and renting. I guess that isn’t so bad. Owning a home means shit now anyway. It isn’t yours. It’s the bank’s.

I’m half tempted to delete this blog. But it explains why I haven’t mentioned anything about training. Since I started this blog, I’ve slumped into a dark crevice.

Waiting it out isn’t going to get me out of this crap. Two more years of debt. I pay it off. If I can’t renew my mortgage, I sell – maybe pay off my debt. I can’t go back to school until my debt is paid off. Hopefully nothing happens in that two year span that gets us deeper in shit. I can’t take it anymore.

So I go back to maybe taking up another hobby – get me through this slump until I get my training mojo back. If I wasn’t so tired, I’d pop that yoga cd in or move beyond the plot development in my book to actually writing it.

Hopefully that big change or spectacular event will happen soon to kick me in the pants!

I’ve been having a hard time keeping up with this blog lately. I’ve actually been having a hard time working up the energy to train for my marathon. I blew some long runs when I was on holidays (NOT like me at all). When I came back, I’ve been suffering from complete exhaustion.

My legs feel like lead all the time. My mental endurance is all but gone. Maybe if I had the mental will power, I could get over the heaviness in my legs and lack of energy – but it just isn’t there. I think there’s some enthusiasm but by the end of my workday, I just feel physically and mentally drained all the time – whether I’ve slept well or not.

I was really debating over the last few weeks if I just needed to switch my registration from a full marathon to a half – but then I started worrying about whether or not I had it in me to even train for a half ironman – the Calgary 70.3. It was such a beautiful course – and I wanted to really do well this year and focus on my nutrition and the power in my bike. But I just can’t muster up the mental energy – a requirement for endurance distance races.

It doesn’t surprise me. The last year has been wrought with difficulties. I am actually surprised I even made it through training last year. I had my flood in my condo, dealing with contractors and insurance companies that delayed it getting fixed by 5 months. We’ve had major money problems and debt issues. There was my cousin’s wedding and my grandmother’s death and I didn’t get any break from work in the winter. Christmas was even hectic. So I decided last Thursday that maybe I just need to take a year off and do some smaller races instead. Sometimes you need the mental recovery. I convinced myself that focusing on getting that book written will be a good trade off - as will studying massage therapy before I go back to school in a few years to get a jump start. But my heart sank on Sunday watching last year’s Calgary 70.3 on the PVR. I felt like I was breaking up with my boyfriend or saying goodbye forever to a best friend. Am I insane to like a sport that much that I would feel sick about having to take time off of it? Why is this affecting me???

I contacted the Run Wild organizers to see if I can drop to a half marathon. I’ve been perusing Alberta Triathlon Association’s list of races to sign up for an olympic distance triathlon and a few sprints. But in the last two days, I’ve been getting angry. I’m upset that I have to take time off. If I was injured, I could justify it but I’m not. Last night Marc couldn’t stop talking about triathlon races this season or sales on tri clothes. All it did was make me angry. I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m upset that I can’t do Calgary 70.3 this year. I’m angry that I made the decision to take a break when he’s back in the bike saddle. I’m angry that he’s talking non-stop about racing to all our triathlon friends and I feel left out because of my decision.

Yes – I could still sign up. But I know that signing up isn’t going to make me put in the proper training. I’m going to follow my 70.3 plan and then see how it goes. Maybe I’ll get lucky and my mojo will come back.

In the meantime, I have to look at reducing my training time – not feel guilty about the time off that I’m taking and pursue my other interests to feel accomplished. I’m not quitting – just cutting back. I have to keep telling myself that.

It’s a tough choice but sometimes you need a break.

L

Well, I’ve been a little lazy with this blog – used to be 4-5 times a week. Past year I’m lucky if it’s once a month. Probably because I haven’t had much to say lately about triathlons and marathons – my life has become a flurry of other matters taking me away from my passion. Life…so invasive.

One thing I’ve been keeping up is the weight training. But I think I’ve neared the end on that one. I started the “Power Phase” three weeks ago and to put it bluntly, I’m done. I’m done with my legs feeling like lead and putting up with lack of ettiquette in the weight room. I’m ashamed to say a lot of women really don’t know what they’re doing and thus…get someone to train you…not your boyfriend (unless he’s experienced). I’m tired of fighting for a machine or even free weights because people are hogging them. I’m tired of being around people. I want to zone out and you can’t do that weight training. So it might be time to just return to pilates bands or maybe get a TRX thingy for my little ol’ apartment.

Okay – enough whining about weight lifting. I must say, I have gained a lot of strength in my legs. My bike effort has improved. Now it’s time to just get more time in on the bike. My runs in the last month have been miserable – but then, my energy level is completely depleted. No amount of excess sleep or caution on the nutrition is helping. I’ve been sick twice this month and just exhausted and feeling overwhelmingly anti-social….more than normal for this extroverted introvert. I blame the multitude of invites that we feel compelled to attend. Why??? I’ve never been much of a social butterfly. Why are we always on the A-list? Good Lord. “We haven’t seen you in awhile!” Well, actually, yes you have. Just a month ago…or was it even three weeks ago? Unfortunately, most of it is because of family. It’s amazing how much they guilt you into either dropping a workout in favor for socializing or trying to cram your workout in so you can hurry up and be there for the party as well.

So now I have training as my excuse to decline and now I’ve been hampered by extreme exhaustion. My anxiety has taken its toll. Being around people makes me snap. As for personal problems, I’ve become numb. I don’t even give a rat’s butt anymore. I’m too tired. My vehicle has had to get towed into the garage twice in the last few weeks. Marc and I are flat broke – his client keeps “postponing” payment for one reason after another. We have a trip to Palm Springs coming up in three weeks and we’re broke. I’m sure Marc will get paid before then but it’s just one more personal problem that I’m tired of dealing with….lack of money.

I’m looking forward to the holiday too but yet again, half of it will be visiting family. I have 4 weeks holidays this year – one of them I would like to spend alone with Marc. I don’t know if that will ever happen. Maybe our wedding in Hawaii LOL. I’m not sure what I’m looking forward to more – getting married in Hawaii or actually having a holiday where we don’t know anyone!

Holy! That makes me sound like a grumpy old anti-social lady. Truth be told – I haven’t had time to myself and introverts need that time. That’s why I love training and I love training alone. It’s my time – my time away from my invasive social life! LOL. I like going away alone for awhile (like my time in the mountains) because when I come back, I’m a social butterfly again. But these past few months have been too much. I’m overdue for isolation and recharging. OMG – I don’t even want to see my best friend lately, I’m that much in need of personal time.

Hopefully my trip in February will pick me up. But by then I’ll only have 8 weeks for marathon training. Is that even possible???? I’ve lost one week already. Me thinks I might have to aim low this year – and just re-focus on my third half Ironman in Calgary.

Well looky there – hit over 691 word count. Guess I had a lot to say afterall – maybe next time it will be more positive and more about training.

Toodles!

Well, 2011 certainly hasn’t been memorable. There’s been a lot of things happening, but I feel I’ve personally accomplished nothing. I look back and all I remember is being angry, upset and burned out…maybe even a sense of losing myself. I had hoped to put a little more “me” first in my life but as 2011 draws to a close, I realize even the last week of the year has been about everyone else. I don’t feel like it’s been much of a holiday – again, I’ve been a “yes” person and have burned myself out with social activities. Being a Maid of Honor was really a metaphor for my entire year – always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

I’m so played out from having to visit so many people over the last three months that I’m ready to scream. Even my plans for my wedding with Marc has suddenly turned into a fiasco – trying to do what everyone else wants. I don’t even care anymore. I’m ready to just let it go for now and I don’t even want to talk about it to anyone.

This past week has left me feeling anxiety rather than peaceful and Christmassy. I feel like I’m drowning. It’s been one party after another. I was thinking of inviting another couple to the New Year’s dinner Marc and I have planned but not now. Next weekend is Marc’s grandfather’s birthday. When does all this ever end?? When can Marc and I just do something together for ourselves?

I feel like I’m marrying 150 other people in Marc’s life and not Marc. It’s enough to give me cold feet. Actually, it isn’t “enough” – I do have cold feet. I’ve been feeling anxiety because I feel that if I do make that commitment, I am going to lose myself. There will be no more me. My identity, who I am, what I’ve finally recovered from the last marriage, will crumble and I’ll be left with nothing but a shell with someone else’s name. Yes, I’m scared. I don’t want to live the rest of my life around other people’s needs. I’ve managed to recover what’s left of myself over the last 6 years since my divorce and I’m scared that it’s going to dissappear.

So 2012 will have to be the year of sticking up for MY needs and MY goals and not sacrificing myself for others. My relationship with Marc and my need for my space and personal time WILL be put before others my friends. I’ll tolerate a little – we all have to – that’s family. But there has to be balance. I don’t want to spend the rest of my 40-50 years on this planet catering to others first. I can’t do that anymore. It’s self preservation. I have to look after myself. I’m not Kate Middleton. I’m not some princess who has to live under others’ expectations.

As for training, I’ve at least managed to work on weight training this past few months. I’ve been following Mark Allen’s 12 Best Strength Exercises on active.com. I’ve gained a lot of muscle in my legs and my arms are strong. I’ve noticed a difference on the bike. Even on the bike at the gym, I can easily do an effort level of 3 whereas last year, that just about killed me. After a power lifting workout, I did 20 minutes of an effort level 4 with hills two days ago and followed it with a 10 minute run that made me feel strong.

One thing I’ve been reading on the internet and in Triathlete magazine is to keep your training workouts short but intense during off season training. Training season is about building the endurance and long distances – off season is about perfecting form and keeping workouts intense but not long. So far, I’ve been sticking to that. What I can’t believe is that starting January 6th, I’m already starting my training for my marathon!

Like I said – it’s been a very hectic year.

Well, I might try and fit in another blog before this year is over. I ended it with a firm “no!” when asked if I would like to go to yet another party tonight. Of course, I had to follow it with a series of “whys” but at least I said no. I could have said “it’s either this party or your grandpa’s birthday party next weekend but I left it as “I’m burned out and it’s been too much.” I was left feeling a little worried about upsetting Marc’s parents, but I can’t be at every social event that they put on. I honestly don’t think they expect us to say yes all the time, either. Of course they’re going to invite us, but Marc takes that as a “I have to be there” so that gets put onto me. I don’t even go to all the parties my own family has! I never feel guilty about not going to those. Why should I feel guilty about not going to Marc’s steady stream of family get togethers?

Maybe I have to start being a little hard ass. Maybe I have to stop worrying about what other people will think – that stupid “guilt” demon needs to be duck taped. Then I can pick and choose what “parties” I’ll attend without feeling I have to be everywhere. It’s my life – I choose to live it for me. That will be my mantra for 2012!